China's Greenhouse Gas Emissions Threaten to Double
Beijing, China: Upset over all of the attention the recent financial crisis has been getting, China's greenhouse gas emissions decided to fight back. Not content to remain silent, they have threatened to double in size unless full attention is paid.
"We used to get stories written about us all of the time," said China's methane emissions, "but now all you hear is money this, crisis that; mortgages over here, bailouts over there. We need to get people's attention back on what's really important here: us."
A mere two years ago, many stories (such as one in the Christian Science Monitor) were being written about how China's greenhouse gas emissions were becoming the largest in the world. Now that news has mostly faded behind stories of the world's economic crisis.
"We're still the biggest, you know?" said China's carbon dioxide emissions. "We haven't gone anywhere. The highest levels in the whole world. And that was before the Olympics. What's it going to take to get a little respect?"
Apparently, doubling in size. "I know we were the biggest, but who respects that these days?" asked China's ozone emissions. "All anyone respects is extremes, so that's why we're going to take it to the next level: two times what we are now. Unless our demands are met."
Those demands include 20 reporters devoted to full-time coverage, as well as at least 5 cover stories every two weeks. "It has to be real covers, too," said China's nitrous oxide emissions. "We're not going to count The Sacramento Bee. Try to pull anything like that, and we'll be talking three or four times our present size."
Climate scientists warn that the results could be disastrous. Australian mathematician Glen Peters of the Center for International Climate and Environmental Research in Oslo claims that it will just take "simple things" to keep China's emissions down. "We just have to give into their demands if we want to keep this planet inhabitable."
Reminded of recent trends in globalization, Dabo Guan of the Electricity Policy Research Group at the University of Cambridge in England warned that if the demands are not met, other country's emissions could follow suit. "That," he says, "would be a dangerous path."
The financial crisis could not be reached for comment.
